I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
