i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
