Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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