I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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