Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
