K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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