So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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