I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
