it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
