im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
