Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
her facebook's as public as her vagina
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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