I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
