3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
