dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
