I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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