i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
