Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
