My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
lets start a swedish sibling band together
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
