I showed him my bush... on skype.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
