I wish my penis had an off switch
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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