I'll bet she douches with gravy.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
