when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
