Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Boobs are out for the taking
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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