3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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