she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
