Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
