you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
i believe in u and ur pee
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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