He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
this hospital has no fireball
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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