i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
whose parrot is this?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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