I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Randomize
