Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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