I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
