Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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