This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
