You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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