I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
