You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
