frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
