If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
