im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
