I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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