mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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