Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
