my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
