you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
