i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
