I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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