Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
