I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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