i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
