Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
