My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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